Happy New Year

I am the most unbothered Jew you will ever meet—honey, Fran Drescher is my role model (I can do her laugh flawlessly, as well as a brilliant scene from "The Nanny" where her mother say, "Fran, I'm going to get plastic surgery," and Fran quacks, "What? Why?" so her mother explains, "I don't think Daddy finds me sexy anymore," so Fran replies, "What are you—crazy?" but her mother trumps all. "Will you look at this?" she asks and then flaps her upper arm in Fran's face, pinching the fleshy tricep with conviction.

Ahh, my people.

So while I go by Miss Rosen, I don't know a haggadah from a schmatta. Hell, I can't even spell Rosh Ha-whatever but I do know this: holidays are corny. Celebrating some date every year because a calendar says so is so uninteresting, I can't even get into it. But I love me some Rosh Ha-somethingorother because we got this much right on point. The New Year is in September. Fuck that January nonsense. Who wants to cheer the new year in the ice cold early winter? Not me, baby.

But September: yea. That's the best time of year. Summer blends into autumn, it's sunny yet crisp, you can wear anything except flip flops (put them away. Enough with the ashy feet, people). September is when everything begins again. And the best part about Rosh Ha-yeahyeah is that it's kept on another calendar, so it pops up on different days every year. I never know when it's coming, and then everyone says, Happy New Year and I'm like, "Mamala, you should make a nice shrimp dish."

Enjoy !!